Rocky Mountain Paranormal Comedy Picture
by Internet Luv Masheen
Summary: Some crossover crap I wrote with an old pal. Here's to moving it to his account.
1. Chaptero primero

Rocky Mountain Paranormal Comedy Show  
By SoulfulZen and Sidhe3141

Summary: When several characters from JtHM, Squee, World of Darkness and Invader ZIM wind up stranded in a hotel during a blizzard, what will happen? Whatever it is, it will be entirely hilarious and generally fucked up. Warning a tad of OOC-ness, and a slew of OCs to follow. WARNING: THE FOLLOWING FIC WAS WRITTEN BY TWO STAUNCH ATHEIST LIBERALS, ONE OF WHICH IS A HOMICIDAL MINDFUCK MADE OF CHAOS AND FLESH AND THE OTHER OF WHICH IS A QUIET, SOMEWHAT EVIL LITTLE HUMAN WHO IS DUE TO EXPLODE ANY DAY UNDER THE STRESS OF EVERYDAY LIFE BUT RIGHT NOW IS REALLY REALLY SHELTERED. CAUSTIC OPINIONS MAY CAUSE EXPLOSIVE REACTIONS RESULTING IN MASS DEATH AND EGO DEFLATION. You have been warned.

Rating will almost certainly go up. Rated R for (so far) Language, Violence, Drug Reference, Political-ness, Suggestive Themes

Devi was getting tired of searching for Nny. Who'd have thought it would be so hard to find a heavily emaciated homicidal maniac? She had been searching for hours, and she was getting thirsty, so she decided to go to the 24-7 and maybe pick up a brainfreezy. That's when it hit her. Nny loved cherry brainfreezies. She ran as fast as she could, and when she arrived, she found Nny leaning in the corner, sipping a cherry brainfreezy. Surprisingly, nobody was dead yet.

When Nny saw Devi walk into the store, he could just tell that she wanted something. He passed it off as some odd feminine urge for a brainfreezy until she walked over to him. He heard a slight whisper in the back of his head from Mr. Fuck, something about "Kill Devi", but he brushed it aside like cobwebs in his attic. That was when Devi said the one thing that Nny could never have seen coming. "Nny, I need your help.", she said, as Nny's jaw suddenly unhinged and fell to the ground. After he fixed his jaw, he asked "Does this mean you forgive me?" Devi replied "No, but  
it does mean that I am willing to." At this, Nny grinned.

Devi began the back story to her request. About a week ago, she was driving over to Nny's house to make an attempt to convince him to get help, when she saw Squee sitting on his stoop, sobbing his eyes out into Shmee's belly, sitting on a pair of ratty old suitcases. At this Johnny said "Grr. Evil thing.". Devi coughed, Nny apologized, and she continued. She asked what was wrong, and he told her about how his class at skool was supposed to go to Colorado for two weeks. Evidently, Mr. Casil was coldhearted enough to deny him the 100 fee, as well as his signiture. His mother had recently discovered meth, and had already begun tweaking, so she was dangerous to approach. At this, Squee went totally insane and screamed "What the fuck is up with this fucking family! I'M YOUR SON, AND YOU TREAT ME LIKE FUCKING DOGSHIT!" He began panting, and his dad threw his clothes into two ratty old suitcases and said "Well, if you want to minimize the hospitality your mother and I give you, you can go live on the street or something. Sucked knowing you, kid." He (literally) threw Squee and his things out of the door. Squee began crying into Shmee, which is when Devi came along. Devi offered to let him stay at her flat if he didn't make too much of a mess, and maybe take him to Colorado. However, this morning, her car was run over by a steamroller-driving asshole.

Nny asked "So do you want me to kill the driver of the steamroller?" Devi replied "No. However, I do want you to take myself and young Mister Todd Casil to Colorado." Nny grinned and said "Ah, good. Another chance to hang out with little Squeegee. Maybe I'll eliminate those universal irritants at Focus on the Family. They're way too far right-wing for me." Devi then told him the one and only catch: "You can't kill anybody without the approval of both myself and Squee." Nny said "B-but they're protesting SpongeBob…" Devi's eye then twitched, and she said "Alright, you can kill them."

In the infamous Ficwriter's Café, SoulfulZen and Sidhe3141 are watching their animated work. Sidhe says "What's a SpongeBob?". SoulfulZen just stared back at him and eventually said "Sid, we have got to get you out more."

Back in the fan fiction, Devi gave him a little hug, and almost left before Nny yelled one last thing "Hey, let be buy you a brainfreezy before you go." He paid for both of their brainfreezies, plus one for little Squee, and after a short incident involving a weird clerk who wouldn't allow Nny to buy a brainfreezy for a party not present and a long, hooked blade of Nny's, the two left, Devi to buy food for their trip, and Nny to entertain his guests. Heh heh heh.

LATERLATERLATERLATERLATERLATERLATERLATERLATERLATERLATERLATERLATERLATERLATERLATERLATERLATERLATERLATERLATERLATERLATERLATER

It had been a week since Devi had spoken to Johnny about Colorado, and today was the day that they were supposed to go. Nny was waiting for them by getting a few last kicks in. He was downstairs removing the kidneys and limb muscles of two man-whores in playboy bunny outfits. "Now what have we learned today", he said, "Not suggest in any way that the strange man picking up old knives in the junkyard is gay? Good." He then cut their throats and let them bleed out. Just as he was about to mince the first one, he heard a loud knock on his front door.

Todd was nervous. Devi had never said anything about the scary neighbor man going with them. And why had Devi and he walked over here? "I don't like this." said Shmee. "But I do." said the blood-spattered Nny. Squee's eyes got really big and he went "Squeek".

In the Ficwriter's Café, SoulfulZen and sidhe3141 were still watching an animated version of their work. SoulfulZen said "Ya know, I could scare Squee quite a bit. I'd probably get a bigger squeek out of him than Johnny."; "Hmm," said sidhe3141, "You know you're right.". The both of them chuckled. A waiter came up and said "Since this is a joint story, would you care for one?" SoulfulZen cracked up at this, while sidhe3141 muttered something about not justifying that with a groan. SoulfulZen elbowed him in the ribs and said "C'mon, it's funny! Lighten up, Sid!". Sidhe replied "Don't call me that." SoulfulZen said "Hmm, let me think about that. No. Ha ha!"

Back in Nny's car, Shmee was demanding to know why they were traveling with Nny. Nny simply said "Devi's car was flattened. I'm doing her a favor. Now shut up, you lying sack of venom." Everyone hopped in, and they drove down to Colorado. Little did they know, their lives were about to get fuckified by freaky things.

On Interstate 25, a little-known inn called the White Rose Inn exists. Tthe White Rose Inn is a supernatural hangout. It is a center of power, and often occupied for more mundane reasons, like the strange earthquakes that sometimes happen, and the pretty bartender. The Animal Control officer, satisfied that the strange howling reported from Room 211 was a hoax, was just leaving when the live band finished their discussion about what songs the audience hadn't heard (read: wasn't tired of after hearing them twice that night.) They started their second "Last, do you hear me, absolutely LAST encore tonight" and the officer returned to the main room to listen. It was then that the howl from outside was heard. The officer, sensing something about to happen, rushed outside... and immediately ran screaming back in. A nearby journalist, her instincts tingling, ran up to her room. "Oh!rya," various members of the kitchen staff shouted.   
(ANOTHER NOTE: That was NOT an English expletive, and if I translated it, the connotations wouldn't come across.) Others used similar expletives, and all ran outside.

"Okay, just what the fuck is outside?" asked SoulfulZen from his   
cushion in the café.  
"A were-thing in halfway-between form." Replied Sid.  
"So what?"  
"So the Delirium affected him."  
"The what?"  
"The Delirium. It's a madness affecting most who see a shapeshifter's combination forms, causing berserk fear and forgetfulness. The exceptions are shapeshifters, shapeshifter-kin, the fae, vampires, ghosts, hunters, certain mortals, and those with exceptionally strong wills."  
"Talk like a human, not a computer."  
"Hey, that's just a summary of it."  
Suddenly, a person who looked half-dead rushed in. He asked, "Will you two just let us get on with it? We've got a story to do!"

"Sorry, Arcturus."

Now, as the story was going, the whole bunch ran outside. A group of Black Spiral Dancers-

"Could you have warned me about the gothic ballerinas?"  
"They're not gothic ballerinas. They're dark werewolves bent on destroying or corrupting Life, The Universe, and Everything, but not So Long, and Thanks for All The Fish.", replied Sidhe  
"And you thought the joint pun was bad! You're joking about one of the best damn sci-fi book series ever!"  
"Sorry."

and Dauntain-  
"Who are they? Dumbshit Dante clones?"  
"No, fae dedicated to destroying other fae."  
"Oh. Hey, no pun that time!"  
"You're welcome, but I couldn't think of one. By the way, did you really take that waiter up on his offer?"

"Nah, I'm clean." he said as he hid a joint behind his back.

-were waiting on the front lawn, with silver and cold iron weapons ready. One threw a cold iron shuriken at a werewolf, who just yanked it out and transformed. With cries of "Attack!", "Get them!", and "!" (another Cyene-

"What's a Cyene?" asked SZ  
"More commonly known as Dog." replied Sidhe

-word, roughly translating to "Charge!"), the two sides fell on each other, or leapt into the sky. It was at this time that Nny and his bunch arrived. A BSD landed on their car, and leapt off just as a silver-haired wolf  
lady (the pretty bartender) landed on it with a kick. With a string of obscenities that began the fabric over Pikes Peak, she transformed and started trying to yank her foot out of the engine block. Nny, already mildly disturbed by the fight on the lawn, and now suffering from a touch of the Delirium, led his friends out the trunk...without opening it first. The result: The car tipped back as all of them tried to scratch a hole in the rear window. A cry of "Carmen, this ought to help!" came from above, and a beam of moonfire detonated the engine block. Carmen fell to the ground, as a strange howl and a shout of "Retreat!" could be heard. All of the inn werewolves changed back and went inside. Nny and his friends, no longer kept awake by fear, did the only sensible thing: They fainted. Except for Nny, who dragged them and their things safely away from the wreck in time to watch it explode. Then he cried over the corpse of his car until the tailpipe crashed on his head, knocking him unconscious..

In the café at this time, SoulfulZen was saying "Ya do know that Nny can't die, right? Because heaven won't take him and hell threw him out after his fight with the devil?". Sidhe replied "I'm an atheist. I don't believe in that stuff." "Same here," said SoulfulZen, "But this is just what Jhonen wrote in his comics. JHONEN VASQUEZ ROCKS!" Sidhe replied "So does Robert Asprin. By the way who's Jhonen Vasquez?" Everyone just gawked at him, as SoulfulZen began his explanation of who Jhonen Vasquez was.

Note from SoulfulZen: Jhonen Vasquez is GOD! Ha ha ha!

Nny realized he was free from his oath. He was strangling, gutting and mutilating everyone he knew. A bright light appeared, and...he woke up with the Sun in his eyes. He noticed that he was in a strange wooden room. He looked out the window, and saw that his car was... "Broken! Somebody wrecked my car! I'll kill the irritant who did it!" He stopped and realized that he knew this already, so he continued ranting at "And whoever managed to park it, tell me how!" He looked outside his room, still behind his door (he was buck naked with Devi the same state of dress) and found his suitcase. He took it in sand got dressed. Devi woke up, shrieked, smacked Nny over the head a few times, and threw him out. Poop Dogg, the Gangsta Spectah of defeat then appeared and said "Ha ha ha! (sup, yo) You lose, dawg!" and vanished.

Back in the Café, Sidhe said "That specter's stupid." SoulfulZen replied "You fucking know it. Want a brownie?" Sidhe said "Sure." and shoved it down his throat. Then he ate two more. Then another fifteen. Then three whole platefuls. An onlooker said "Boy, he sure does love those brownies." SoulfulZen replied "He'd better. Those are pot brownies! I just got the tightass stoned! Ha ha ha ha! Hope he doesn't OD." A flying pig flew up and said "Hey, this is fanfiction! Anything is possible. Even your buddy eating about a gallon of hash oil and living!" Everyone grinned and shouted "See you next time for chapter two! BYE!"

E-mail Sidhe3141 (who doesn't get any notification if you review) at: 


	2. Chaptos Dos

Rocky Mountain Paranormal Comedy Show

By SoulfulZen and Sidhe3141

Summary: When several characters from JtHM, Squee, World of Darkness

(not the newest edition, the last one with Wraith) and Invader ZIM

wind up stranded in a hotel during a blizzard, what will happen?

Whatever it is, it will be entirely hilarious and generally fucked up.

Warning a tad of OOC-ness, and a slew of OCs to follow. WARNING: THE

FOLLOWING FIC WAS WRITTEN BY TWO STAUNCH ATHEIST LIBERALS, ONE OF WHICH IS A

HOMICIDAL MINDFUCK MADE OF CHAOS AND FLESH AND THE OTHER OF WHICH IS A QUIET,

SOMEWHAT EVIL LITTLE HUMAN WHO IS DUE TO EXPLODE ANY DAY UNDER THE STRESS OF

EVERYDAY LIFE BUT RIGHT NOW IS REALLY REALLY SHELTERED. CAUSTIC OPINIONS MAY

CAUSE EXPLOSIVE REACTIONS RESULTING IN MASS DEATH AND EGO DEFLATION. You have

been warned.

Rated R for (so far) Language, Violence, Drug Reference,Political-ness,

Suggestive Themes

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction intended to be humorous. Neither White

Wolf, SoulfulZen nor Sidhe 3141 own any of this shit. It is a scenario

invented by two teenage lunatics inspired by a large group of even crazier adults.

We are not liable for expenses incurred from hunting vampires in the woods at

night. We are not responsible if you are torn apart by a werewolf because you

follow our advice. We will not reimburse your travel costs if you try to find

the White Rose Inn. The mention of any product or service in this story is not

a challenge to the copyright concerned. We are little people who don't want a

lawsuit and certainly wouldn't dream of infringing on a copyright. Under no

circumstances should you use this as a source for a grimroire or your term

paper. By veiwing this story and/or opening this page, you agree that you cannot

sue us if you follow our advice or get a bad grade on your finals. You cannot

sue us if you trip while reading this story. You cannot sue us if you laugh

too hard. If you do not agree with this disclaimer, do not veiw the story

and/or open the page. If you find yourself following our advice on the supernatural

or repeating our jokes, you should find a lunatic asylum or go into politics.

After all, someone who believes any of this story would be better than the

corrupt theocratic backstabbing swindlers currently in power. Hail to the Theif!

Jail to the Chief! Jail to the Thief!

Warranty:

Lifetime Warranty: We will give you $1000 if you do not live your entire

lifetime.

Monopole Warranty: We will give you credit before the Nobel Prize Committee

if your computer develops magnetic monopoles as a result of reading this story.

Pythagorean Warranty: We will buy you a new computer if you can prove to us

that, in a Euclidean plane, the length of the hypotenuse of a right triangle

does not equal the square root of the sum of the squares of the other two sides.

Damage Warranty: If this story arrives physically damaged, we will replace it

just as soon as we figure out how it happened.

the big pint giveth and the little print taketh away. No, really! This

warranty does not apply if you are sent backwards in time and become one of your

own ancestors. If you think that this isn't an everyday occurrence, you haven't

been golfing with Arthur Dent.

Actually, it isn't a common event.

Nny, Devi, and Squee, drawn by strange music, arrived in the bar/resturant.

A person in a black, hooded robe muttered, "Oh, good. You're awake. Better

get some dinner into you." The man sitting across from him (a magician known in

some places as Skeeve the Great) asked, "You sure they weren't hung over?" A

scaly green gentleman with sharp pointy teeth (like That Rabbit from That

Movie) responded, "Positive. Too bad you had to run. That was some fight out

there." as he downed his twenty-seventh glass. He poked the goo in the bowl in

front of him, saying,"Too bad the folks in this backwater dimension don't have a

nice hot cauldron of Potage St. Augggh's either." At all of this, Squee,

shivering like a man with a seizure, uttered a single "Squeek!" "With the amount you

just drank, I doubt you could afford it.", claimed an old man in a

wheelchair. Nny, Squee, and Devi all shouted, "Dinner!"

"Why, yes. You've been out for 25 hours."

The flying pig held Soulfulzen down while Sidhe beat him over the head

repeatedly with a frying pan. "And THAT was for the fifteenth of those things!"

The band finished playing and got down from their stage. They dispersed, the

bagpiper getting into an intellectual theological discussion (read: religous

shouting match) with Dobson and a vampire carrying a large bag of excrement,

the fiddler (Arcturus) chatting amiably with what seemed to be thin air, and

the lead singer walking over and flirting with Devi, like he does every time he

sees a lady.

As Nny and Devi got into their own intelluctual discussion over which one

would knock the singer's teeth out, he conjoured an amazing ball of light.

Three cardinals (Ximnez, Fang, and Biggles) dressed entirely in red stood

up. "Nobody expectorates the Spanish Inquisition! Oh bugger, what did I say!"

He was proven wrong as everyone within range spat on him. Meanwhile, Nny

wandered off and started chatting with Carmen(as Devi was beating the singer up). He

convinced her to remove her baseball cap when the bagpiper jumped over on st

reams of silver light. "No, Carmen! You're going to break the Veil!"

Sidhe3141 had finally stopped beating SoulfulZen up. Soulfulzen looked

over

his shoulder

"Ooh! Veil! Get me the fuck outta here and let's go ski."

"No, they're not talking about skiing."

"Then what's the Veil?"

"The werewolf version of the Masquerade."

"What's the Masquerade?"

"The vampire version of the Veil."

"Okay, but what's the Veil?"

"The best part of this game is that you can play all night."

"Yes, but WHAT THE FUCK IS THE VEIL?"

"The name werewolves use for their cover."

"Why do they need a cover?"

"They were persecuted along with the witches."

"What witches?"

"Which witches?"

"Which witches were the witches of which you were speaking?"

"Okay, now you've lost me."

"Which witches were you talking about?"

"Depends on which town you were in."

"Oh, the Salem trials?"

"No, the Crucible."

"Wasn't that the book which was about the witches of Salem?"

"Yes, that was the book which was about the witches of Salem."

"Why does the bagpiper care about the Veil?"

"He is under an unbreakable geas to follow the Litany."

"What's a geas and what's the Litany?"

"A geas is a magically reinforced promise and the Litany is the werewolf

version of the Traditions."

"What are the Traditions?"

"Which Traditions?"

"Which Traditions are the Traditions of which you were speaking?"

"You've lost me again."

"Which Traditions were you talking about?"

"No, I was talking about the vampiric Traditions."

"Oh, so there's witch Traditions too?"

"Yes."

"What are the vampiric Traditions?"

"The vampiric equivalent of the Protocols."

"What are the Protocols?"

"The mage version of the Escheat."

"What's the Escheat?"

"The fae version of the Litany"

"Oh Jesus C Frog, not this again."

"Sorry. The Litany is the highest set of shapeshifter laws."

"And what are the Traditions?"

"Which Traditions?"

"Exactly!"

"What?"

"The witch Traditions."

"Oh. The mage Traditions are the divisions into which the mage Traditions

sort themselves."

"What else is there?"

"The Technocracy."

This discussion went on for a while. About 12 hours later, something

interesting happened.

"Yes, exactly, the witch staff!" said Sidhe

"Okay, I'm bored." said SoulfulZen, as he pulled out an uzi, switched it to

fully automatic and turned his co author into swiss cheese.

"My cardboard cutout! I spent all night animating that thing and you turn it

into Swiss cheese!" Sidhe levelled a hand at SoulfulZen from the next table. "

PYROEIS!" His co-author turned into ashes.

At still another table, SoulfulZen handed someone who was obviously high-up

in some military some money. "That's for the use of a custom homunculus, and

that's for the damage to it, and that's a tip."

A small child next to the person asked, "What's a homunculus?" He added,"If

you want the military alchemist who leads the conspiracy, he's currently in

use, but he'll be here in about five minutes for the lunch break."

"How does a little chap like you know about the conspiracies in the Full

Metal Alchemist military?"

"Easy. I'm a Mamodo."

"Oh."

Nny asked, "What's the Veil?"

The bagpiper responded, "Veil? What Veil? Who said Veil?"

"You said Veil."

"No, I didn't. You must be mistaken. Maybe you heard wrong."

"I was right here. You said Veil."

"No I didn't. Say, nice weather, isn't it."

"It's snowing. I'll be stuck here for weeks to find out what the Veil is."

Devi and Squee both asked, "What Veil?"

Roberta Ritter the reporter declared, "Sounds like a cover-up. Better get

out the ol' muckrake."

Dobson, now alone but smelling like dung from being repeatedly beaned with a

canvas bag full of the stuff, began lecturing about heretics. Half the crowd

listened with rapt attention, while the other half began reenacting a certain

scene from "Animal House" ("Bullshit! Bullshit!") and a scene from Monty

Python's Life of Brian ("What a load of rubbish!"). Others (the lead singer, with a

black eye, several scratch marks, a few pressure cuts, and other wounds that

would take too much time to list; Carmen, whose shift had ended during the

discussion; Arcturus, who had finished long before; and others, including Squee,

Nny and Devi) began a poker game.

It was two in the morning, and everyone was positively mullered.

Squee was asleep, and most everyone was playing strip poker. Unbeknownst to

almost all of them, two people (Carmen and the bagpiper) were watching from

the room, but at the same time not in it.-

"Why are you such a paradox otaku, Sidhe?"

"It's not a paradox. They're in the Umbra."

"Oh, a copy of this world similar to a shadow?"

"Well, kind of. The Umbra is a collection of other universes."

"So, Carmen, why are we doing this?"

"There is a strip poker game tonight, Richard, and I want to make sure it

doesn't get out of hand."

"More specifically, what am I doing here?"

"I can't see across the Gauntlet."-

"So what trials do they have to go through? Or is it just one of those armored gloves."

"Neither. It's the barrier between worlds."

-"So how did you persuade me to come across?"

"You owe me, remember?"

"Look, I told you, I could have handled those bikers. There were only seven

of them."

"Uh-huh. You had so much of that weird energy that you couldn't see straight,

you were too drunk to focus on a Gift, and you were unarmed."

"No, I didn't! I'd emptied my Paradox earlier!"

"Then how'd we get stuck in Wolfhome?"

"Oh yeah. Hey, something's happening!"

"What?"

"One of the guys just talked to a naked lady while walking toward her!"

"What's he saying?"

"I can't get sound, but he just unzipped his pants...I can try getting sound

if you like, but I'm already over my spell limit today."

"Right! Here goes!" And she vanished.

"Okay. Luna, lend me your power." Richard invoked while he pricked his finger

with a pin, and started aiming it.

The ensuing chaos was not for the weak of heart. Suffice to say that it

involves screaming, fur, burning moonbeams, lunar blades, flying silver knives,

blowdarts, and plasma splattered everywhere. By the time it ended, most present

were in the closet, out the window, or unconscious, either crisscrossed with

claw marks or covered with burns. Carmen changed back to near-human (her normal

form. She can get away with using it everywhere because it looks enough like

pure human...but we digress.) and stood, arms folded, surveying the carnage, as

was her normal habit after calming down. Both her and Richard (who had

stepped across during the fight) gave a low, sliding whistle, much as one would do

upon seeing one car wrapped around a lightpole and the other flattened against

the other side of the ditch. It was obvious that there wasn't an untouched

person in the room. A throwing dagger came flying from out of the closet. Carmen

ripped open the closet and discovered that Nny was in there, along with Devi. She

picked him up and heaved him...through the wall. There he was stuck, halfway

inside the room. Poop Dogg showed up and fainted at the sight of his work.

Stay tuned for Chapter 3. Don't think that this shit's over.

Included: An update on Nny's car.

READ AND REVIEW.


	3. Chaptee three

-1Rocky Mountain Paranormal Comedy Show

By SoulfulZen and Sidhe3141

Summary: When several characters from JtHM, Squee, World of Darkness

(not the newest edition, the last one with Wraith) and Invader ZIM

wind up stranded in a hotel during a blizzard, what will happen?

Whatever it is, it will be entirely hilarious and generally fucked up.

Warning a tad of OOC-ness, and a slew of OCs to follow. WARNING: THE

FOLLOWING FIC WAS WRITTEN BY TWO STAUNCH ATHEIST LIBERALS, ONE OF WHICH IS A HOMICIDAL MINDFUCK MADE OF CHAOS AND FLESH AND THE OTHER OF WHICH IS A QUIET, SOMEWHAT EVIL LITTLE HUMAN WHO IS DUE TO EXPLODE ANY DAY UNDER THE STRESS OF EVERYDAY LIFE BUT RIGHT NOW IS REALLY REALLY SHELTERED. CAUSTIC OPINIONS MAY CAUSE EXPLOSIVE REACTIONS RESULTING IN MASS DEATH AND EGO DEFLATION. You have been warned.

Rated R for (so far) Language, Violence, Drug Reference, Political-ness, Suggestive Themes, and bum-fuck everything else.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction intended to be humorous. Neither White Wolf, SoulfulZen nor Sidhe 3141 own any of this shit. It is a scenario invented by two teenage lunatics inspired by a large group of even crazier adults. We are not liable for expenses incurred from hunting vampires in the woods at night. We are not responsible if you are torn apart by a werewolf because you follow our advice. We will not reimburse your travel costs if you try to find the White Rose Inn. The mention of any product or service in this story is not a challenge to the copyright concerned. We are little people who don't want a lawsuit and certainly wouldn't dream of infringing on a copyright. Under no circumstances should you use this as a source for a grimroire or your term paper. By viewing this story and/or opening this page, you agree that you cannot sue us if you follow our advice or get a bad grade on your finals. You cannot sue us if you trip while reading this story. You cannot sue us if you laugh too hard. If you do not agree with this disclaimer, do not view the story and/or open the page. If you find yourself following our advice on the supernatural or repeating our jokes, you should find a lunatic asylum or go into politics. After all, someone who believes any of this story would be better than the corrupt theocratic backstabbing swindlers currently in power. Hail to the Thief! Jail to the Chief! Jail to the Thief! This story uses the supernatural for themes. Common sense dictates that the supernatural does not exist. If you find yourself flying in the face of common sense, close the story immediately and seek professional help. We are not responsible if you blow yourself up with the spells given, either.

Warranty:

Lifetime Warranty: We will give you $1000 if you do not live your entire lifetime.

Monopole Warranty: We will give you credit before the Nobel Prize Committee if your computer develops magnetic monopoles as a result of reading this story.

Pythagorean Warranty: We will buy you a new computer if you can prove to us that, in a Euclidian plane, the length of the hypotenuse of a right triangle does not equal the square root of the sum of the squares of the other two sides.

Damage Warranty: If this story arrives in its electronic form physically damaged, we will replace it just as soon as we figure out how it happened.

the big pint giveth and the little print taketh away. No, really! This warranty does not apply if you are sent backwards in time and become one of your own ancestors.

Author's Note from Sidhe3141: In light of Adult Swim's recent decision to return InuYasha to the Sunday Morning Lineup, we have organized a celebratory song. (turns to the InuYasha cast)

Ich, ni, san, go!

CHORUS:

We're back! We're back! We've arrived once more!

We're back! We're back! And we're not a bore!

Come on! Come on! Sing along with us!

Come on! Come on! We swear that you won't bust!

Come sing with us and celebrate our return!

Come sing with us; you've got some time to burn!

KAGOME:

Back again! Back again! Back in time yet again!

Back again! Back again! True love and true hate again!

Returning to the past again!

Jump ahead in time again!

Double life, double time, double romance,

Double battles again; come on and dance!

CHORUS

INUYASHA:

Back again! Back again! Battling demons again!

Back again! Back again! Travels and trials again!

Having some fun again!

Adventuring again!

New foes, new shards, new fights: lots of new fun

New "sits", old and new love: oops, gotta run!

CHORUS

"Stop that! Stop that! Stop it! Clear off!" the king of Swamp Castle ran on and stopped the musical number. "There'll be no singin' here!"

Chapter III

Addemendum to Disclaimer: Whatever happens, if it isn't mentioned in the Warranty, it's not our fault. We have no liability. We told you that before we began. It's not our fault. We take no responsibility. Because we had no idea that it would turn out this way.

If you take your car in for a tune-up, the shop charges you a bill five miles long, when you get it back, your car refuses to start, and when you push it down the hill, the steering is all wrong, it's not our fault. We have no liability. We told you that before we began. It's not our fault. We take no responsibility. Because we had no idea that it would turn out this way.

If your good friend Tom runs for public office, promising to throw out the crooks that have been elected, you vote for him, and the very next month, the cops haul him away for sex and corruption and many other wrongs, as though he was the only public official who did that, it's not our fault. We have no liability. We told you that before we began. It's not our fault. We take no responsibility. Because we had no idea that it would turn out this way.

If some lunatic in the White House pushes the button and the world goes boom, it's not our fault. We have no liability. We told you that before we began. It's not our fault. We take no responsibility. Because we had no idea that it would turn out this way.

"What?" SoulfulZen was confused about the disclaimer.

"It's a song."

"Oh. Why can't I say 'We don't own shit?'"

"Because this is funnier."

"Well, to each his own. Besides, you did much more of this chapter than I did."

STORY NOTE: From this point on Cyene will be done in this type of bracket, as it is more integral to the story from this point. 

Back at the inn, all of the poker players were popping aspirin, regenerative powers, and the like. Most were wondering why there was a large blank in their memories and why they woke up naked and badly wounded. The rest were pantomiming Carmen's strangulation and burning.

"I thought only silver could kill werewolves!"

"Wrong. True Magick, fire, supernatural weaponry, chainsaws, cabers, and the like will also do it."

"Cabers?"

"A Scottish weapon resembling a telephone pole."

Nny was trying to find a way to get back at Devi for talking him into playing strip poker. He ran into Richard.

"Get out of my way and let me kill Devi!"

"This ought to help."

"What is it?"

"A cursed ring. When placed on a finger, it is activated by the words Will you marry me? ."

"Sounds like a lot of barking."

"I didn't invent that spell."

"How can I repay you?"

"Make sure I'm out of the room. The incantation will shield you, but the ring will release one (unprintable due to fire code) of a fallout."

A nearby flower burst into flames. A window shattered. A vampire rushed in, stared hard at both of them, and walked out.

Devi was wandering the halls. She ran into Richard.

"Nny will give you a cursed ring soon. Fortunately, it is countered with the word Yes ."

"A bark?"

"No, a spell. You got it?"

" Yes . Yes."

At dinner, Nny gave Devi the "cursed" ring and the "incantation". Devi quickly responded with the "counter-incantation". Most of the staff cracked up, followed by most of the guests (who had no idea what they were laughing at, but it was contagious). Carmen put two and two together, walked over to Richard (the only one who had left early), hoisted him by the shirt, and threatened, "We will discuss this at length later". One of the staff explained what had been said to the two victims, who sat down at a table and started conspiring their revenge.

"First we ought to call it off."

"But we get so much free stuff out of it!"

"Okay, okay. We dissolve it after we get the free stuff. Do I have your permission to kill him?"

"Yes! Of course you do, you moron!"

The next evening, Carmen was trying to cool off a man who just couldn't take a hint. After subtle hints, not-so-subtle hints, and outright threats failed, she was about to shoot him with a sleep dart when a black spark appeared in the air and the dart vanished.

"Richard!"

"I didn't do it!"

Meanwhile, in a diffrent universe, Lina Inverse and company were battling a confusingly familiar face and a (less confusingly) familiar fanatic.

Zelgadis asked, "What's Conzul doing here?"

Martina responded "He has been recruited into the service of the monster Zomelagustar!"

Xellos took on a confused look. "Zomelagustar... Nope, don't know him."

Lina shouted, "You still want to conquer the world to sacrifice it to a monster that you made up!"

"Yes!"

Xellos sat down and started tracing a design in the air. "If that weren't an inspired work of pure lunacy, it would be quite impressive."

Naga the Serpent turned toward Martina. "I thought you said we were doing this to get into the City Treasury!"

Lina looked thoughtful. "The City Treasury? Maybe we could move this brawl over there."

Amelia shouted out, "Miss Lina! We were hired to protect the Treasury, remember?"

"Oh. Yeah."

Conzul then began attacking the entire bunch from sub-space. Silphial and Naga began incantations (the Dragon Slave and the Explosion Array, respectively).

Lina shouted, "No! That won't work! Xellos, any idea what's going on?"

"The Monster Race has no loyalties, with few exceptions. I'd say that our old friend just turned on all of us."

"Well, what worked last time will work now." She began the incantation for the Ragna Blade spell.

When she was finished, Conzul had just appeared in normal space. With its normal black lightning, the Ragna Blade slashed him into tiny bits. While this was happening, a small, red-and-gold-fletched dart flew out of the lightning and struck Lina.

Zelgadis Greywords was the first to fall out of the celing. He was followed by Gourry, then Naga, then Silphial, then Xellos, then Martina, then Amelia, then Lina. Incedentally, they all fell on top of the man in that order. His last words before losing conciousness were, "Oh no, not again."

As no earlier account can be found of a chimera, a swordsman, two sorceresses, a monster, a princess of a destroyed kingdom, and two shrine maidens falling on anyone out of a ceiling can be found, his remark has been picked apart by historians, philosophers, and pulp fiction writers. It was later found that he was quoting a bowl of petunias named Agrajag. It was also found that he was an incarnation of an English everyman named Arthur Dent. An incarnation of Agrajag among those picking apart his remark made comments about poetic justice, which were immidiatly stricken from the record.

National scandal was just barely avoided when an immortal government agent looked at the pile, and then went back to his drink. Cardinals Ximnez, Biggles, and Fang looked at the pile, and immediatly went back to hassling innocents.

In the mathematical field of reciprinvirsexclusions (numbers that can only be defined as whatever they aren't), respectable masters of this most difficult branch are divided by their opinion of if a Somebody Else's Problem field was active in the area. Non-respectable masters insist that they were responsible.

It is the opinion of the authors that there was no SEP active. The archiver has confirmed this opinion by performing the nessecary tests.

At that moment, the WOD Characters' Union and the JTHM Characters' Union bamf!ed and charged into the FicWriters' Cafe. "I thought you said we had an exclusive! Bringing in major characters from outside is a clear violation of our agreement!"

"The terms of the agreement were that you had an exclusive for the first chapter. You insisted on price-gouging us with the exclusive, so we decided to bring in more actors."

The WOD Union Leader replied, "You can't do without us. We're supplying the locale, so you can't write the story if we go on strike."

Sidhe held up a pile of papers. "The WOD characters we're using are from a splinter universe. I created most of them and the locale we're using. They were never under your jurisdiction."

Both sides had the feeling that this was going to last a while. SoulfulZen, who had just woken up from a catnap, shot everyone. After a few hours of confusion involving the neurotic Sidhe's clones and homunculi, SoulfulZen ran out of bullets before he could kill his co-author. Ah well, he wasn't going to anyway.

"Hey! It's gonna take weeks for me to reassemble this many doppelgangers."

"Fuck you and your doppelgangers! Y MORKY PORK CHOPPIE MY BOOTZ!"

News of the labor talks still had yet to reach the actors. Nny and Roberta were still trying to find out what the Veil was. Everyone they asked claimed to have no idea. Some of the actors who knew the union represenatives grouped together and started experimenting with regulations to turn the situation to their advantage. Lina and company had bought four rooms and were trying to decide on sleeping arrangements. All of them were secretly experimenting with their union regulations, for the same purpose as everyone else who had a copy out. An excerpt from the conversation is as follows.

Gourry:"Okay, so Zel and I are grouped as normal."

Zelgadis:"Right. That leaves you ladies and Xellos to decide on your arrangements."

Lina:"I'm not waking up chained to the bed again."

Amelia:"That counts me out as a roomate."

Naga: "I'd like to catch up with Little Sister anyway."

Gourry (writing it down): "Got it. That leaves Lina, Silphial, Martina, and Xellos."

All others: "Huh?" (sound of books being shoved into pouches)

Gourry: "What was that?"

All others: "Certainly not union regulations!"

Gourry: "Oh, so I'm the only one with them out?"

Lina: "No, you idiot!"

Zelgadis: "This'll go a lot easier if we just put them away and go through them later."

All: "Right!" (they take them out anyway)

Gourry: "So, we still need to arrange Lina, Silphial, Martina, and Xellos."

Lina: "I'm not pairing up with that jerk. Not after the time she cursed me to suffer anything I inflicted."

Silphial: "And you can't pair up with Xellos, so that leaves us sharing a room."

Zelgadis: "Except that leaves Martina and Xellos in the same room..."

Martina: "Oh, I wouln't mind..."

Xellos: "I would."

Gourry: "Right. Scratch that."(crumples up paper and tries throwing it on top of a large stack)

Zelgadis: "We could go three to a room and have someone sleep in the bathtub."

Lina: "But that wastes our money on a room we aren't using! I refuse to spend any more than is nessecary!"

Aahz(mandius) (walking up): "Hello, cousin!"

Amelia (muttering): "And for a change, it's actually our money, not that of the Kingdom of Sayroon, because here, Sayroon doesn't even exist."

It was then that a flashback occured.

Lina was trying to pay for the rooms by charging them to the Royal Family of Sayroon (as usual), a group whose credit is not valid anywhere in the known Universe except for in the world of the group currently trying to use it.

"What do you mean, "this doesn't work"? Can't you see that this is the badge of the Soviergn Kingdom of Sayroon?"

"Sayroon? What's that?"

Amelia let out a breath. "At least I don't have to worry about what Daddy will say when he finds out about what Lina's doing."

They eventually tried to pay with gold, only to find that it wasn't accepted either. They then went into town, exchanged the gold for U.S. currency, walked back, and then bought the room.

The archiver found it funny that first, Lina tried to get money on the credit of Sayroon, a maneuver that is not accepted anywhere in the known Universe, including in the capital city itself.

Then a flashforward occured.

Nny had already tried several attempts to waylay Richard on his way to some room that nobody, including Odysseus(or Nobody), had seen before. Richard was firmly convinced that he was not being followed. Nny was aiming a gun when Richard entered the room. When he stepped in, he saw what was apparently some kind of ritual in progress.

" O Center... Blast and (no translation, but something very naughty indeed; the archiver, who is fluent in Cyene, describes it as 'junky, lunky, wunky, stunky, and what's the other word, and lots of bad stuff, woo.') and... and... !"

"Get him?"

"Yes! Get him!"

There is a discreet blackout.

When Nny woke up, he vaugly remembered walking in on some kind of ritual... and someone shouting, "Get him!"... and a bunch of people growing fur...

"What the heck just happened?" He then noticed that he was lying down on a bed. His back was up, and boy did it hurt. He looked behind him and saw someone who seemed to be from the Middle East applying large amounts of bandages. Very large amounts. He seemed to be muttering something about "idiot... moot... disrupted... start again... moron" and then noticed that Nny could understand him and switched languages.

The next thing he said in English was, "Okay, this'll sting a little." Nny's entire body was suddenly wracked with pain.

"What was that for! I thought I was going to die for a second, before I remembered that I can't!"

"Would Your Highness perfer it if I just let the wounds deteiorate?"

Richard's voice could be heard from the doorway. "Alex's right, you know. The attacks disrupted your Pattern, so we need to stabilize it. From what I'm told, a disrupted Life Pattern can't restore itself, and makes the problem worse when it tries. Plus, we don't need the wound getting infected."

SoulfulZen was confused. "What the fuck is he saying?"

Sidhe pulled out a purple book. "A Pattern is the supernatural aspect of something. A Life Pattern is the supernatural aspect of a living being. For some reason, Patterns can't regenerate damage to themselves. Healing Pattern damage requires that the Pattern be taught how to heal itself, through either magic or medicine. Fortunately, he was running quickly. Otherwise, his Pattern would be torn to shreds."

"But why did the attacks inflict Pattern damage?"

"Don't ask."

"By the way, what was Alex talking about?"

"He thinks that Nny is an idiot for disrupting a werewolf meeting and making them start again. The ritual that they were going to perform has to be done soon, or the center of power that the inn was built on will start failing."

"What?"

"Oh, nothing."

"Does this have anything to do with the Veil?"

"What Veil?"

The man that the Inverse group had fallen on had been crushed by the Elric brothers Full Metal Alchemist, arrived using a human-transmutation machine bought on EBay ("OW!"), the main Inuyasha cast arrived when they saw a space-time warp and started trying to hit it with pebbles ("OOF!"), the Love Hina cast went on a road trip and got lost ("WHY ME!"), The kids from South Park got sucked into a portal by some interdimensional being in the guise of a giant anus ("WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?") Nita, Dairine and Kit Young Wizards, gated into the wrong place ("JUST END IT NOW!"), Squad 7 Naruto, got really lost on a mission ("GLAAAACK!"), countless other characters ("AAAAAAAUGH!"), and an anvil ("thank you.").

Miroku made his traditional inquiry of Carmen and instantly found Ed and Inuyasha trying to pull him out of the opposite wall, Inuyasha using pure strength and Ed using a prybar transmuted from his automail. As the four South Park kids cursed a thick, fibrous cloud of obscenity about the inn, some creature or other straightened the cloud into an obscene tapestry (which, incidentally, depicted the sexual escapades of a relatively-unknown pedophile), which the children were wrapped in and forgotten in a closet. Ironically, this closet was actually a portal to another world, which they rolled through and found the of-late-forgotten Squee. But more on this later.

Several hours later, the new arrivals (Miroku excluded, as he was still getting his head fixed) were in a staff member's room. Some of them were examining her shrines, some were reading her extensive personal library, some were fighting over whose complete videotaped adventures they would watch first (can you say, "obsessed?"). This last group attracted Sidhe's attention.

"Cut, Cut, CUT! What do you think you're doing?"

All of them replied, "Fighting over whose complete videotaped adventures we're going to watch."

"Stop it!"

Ed walked up. "Who's going to make us?"

Sidhe took a piece of cutlery out of his pocket. All of the combatants shouted, "NOT THE SPOON!"

Ed coughed several times and saluted. "I mean, 'Yes, sir, at once, sir.'"

Sidhe dematieralized and shouted, "Lights! Camera! Action!"

Sidhe matieralized in the Cafe. "There. That takes care of that."

"What did you do to them?"

He whispered.

"You did that!"

He nodded.

"Excuse me while I vomit." Sidhe, covered in his co-author's lunch, lifted a spoon.

SoulfulZen made a move to block and was instantly face-down on the floor badly cut up.

"That should have blocked what you told me about. Why didn't it work?"

"You think I only have one spoon technique?"

"You know what? Fuck it. Time to die." He pulled out a large scythe. They fought, but SoulfulZen quickly cut his co-author's spoon hand off.

"Hey. That wasn't nice. You cut my hand off"

"Hey, no more of your little spoony crap. It's annoying. Besides, my almighty BAND-AID CURE spell will give it back." He stuck a band-aid to his co author's head and ripped it off, taking a good-sized chunk of hair with it.

"And now I have a bald spot. Thanks."

In another dimension, Yuko Ichihara was staring at a bowl of divining water with her apprentice, Kimihiro Watanuki. "See, Watanuki? Hitsuzen at work again. I told you the spoon man would have a bald spot within the hour."

"Oh. But what about the visitor in black?"

In the café, SoulfulZen announced, "C'mon, Siddy, we're going to a friend of mine's house. She has three bottles of the finest Kirin Beer I've ever tasted!" Sidhe rolled his eyes as his co-author tore a hole in reality and dragged him through.

"A visitor in black. Happy, Watanuki?"

"All right, you win, it's hitsuzen." SoulfulZen burst through the door, buddy in tow, and Yuko smiled, while Maru and Moro ran off for a bottle of beer and four glasses, one of which they returned when they found out that Sidhe intended to stay sober. Mokona, Yuko and SoulfulZen drank the entire bottle and ate nearly five pounds of food that night. It was a feast rivaled by few. In the morning, SoulfulZen found Sidhe and Watanuki playing a game of chess. Before Yuko could wake up hung over, SoulfulZen dragged Sidhe back to the café.

When Yuko woke up, she saw the lack of guests and mumbled, "Didn't see that coming."

Ha ha ha! That's it.


End file.
